why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
