Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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