Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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