I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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