I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
