I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
