just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
