Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
