Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
