I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
