Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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