Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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