Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
