thus making me awesome and them whores
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
