You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
