i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
