Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
