Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Green mimosas i think yes
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
3pm strippers are depressing
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
