Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
