i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
