Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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