my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
