i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
