tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
