So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
