i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
