____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
