my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
