I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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