Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
