I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
