Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
