And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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