I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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