I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
