Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
