batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
