I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
