I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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