In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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