He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
