She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
