omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
