True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
