i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
