On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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