Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
is it fun? or sober?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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