new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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