wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Holy sore nipples Batman
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
