billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
